October - 2003

"Letter to Megan"

Every day I look at your pictures and begin to cry. The sight of your face brings on a rush of emotions so incredible I'm almost drowned by my feelings. The sweet feeling of love and delight, remembering the excitement that you brought into my world. The feeling of sorrow realizing that you've left again, and that this time you're never coming

back. And, most of all, the feeling of incredible, tormenting loss, knowing that there is a whole world out there left so empty without your presence. Three months, seven days.

I still clearly remember my first impression of you. We pulled into your driveway and there you were, sitting on your front porch. I remember thinking that even in your calm, relaxed pose on the concrete  platform you looked as though you were about to spring forward, like every muscle in your body was prepared to leap into action at any second. You looked so foreign at rest, as though the only state you were comfortable with was a state of constant action. Your smile was brilliant and alive, inviting everyone around you to join you on your adventures and to be your best friend.

Years flew by. No matter where we were going, you always made it seem like a grand adventure, full of excitement and possibility. I never knew what would happen while spending time with you. Your spontaneous nature created so many opportunities for fun, and no matter what you never got tired. You flew from one thing to another as though relaxation and sleep were poison to your fun-loving soul.

One of my last clear memories of you was during a concert in Hershey. You were at your prime that night; the sky could have fallen down right on top of your head and you never would have stopped dancing. You were so alive, and the feeling was contagious. Everyone around you was filled with uncontrollable excitement just from being close to you, as though with you there, something great was guaranteed to happen. You screamed every song as loud as you could, even if you didn't know all of the words, and you danced like stopping would stop your heart. That concert created a concrete bond between us - I realized that night anything was possible, and my life would be complete. I wanted that feeling of euphoria to last forever. Friends forever, you said that night. Best friends for life.

Then everything ended. Time stopped for you. All the potential that was inside you, all of the life you had left and all of the wonderful things you could have done, vanished with a crash. Pronounced dead at the scene. Traffic stopped for hours.

Loving you was the easiest thing I ever did. All I had to do was step into your magnetic presence and all of my problems disappeared, my life seemed perfect and my future seemed to stretch on forever, full of mystery and possibility. Losing you broke my heart, shattered my dreams, and scarred my beliefs. "Friends forever," you had said. But what happens when life rips us apart? What happens when forever is redefined for us?

I've been so angry, Megs. Angry at you for leaving me, angry at life for taking you away, angry at myself for being unable to move on. Even I realize, though, that the anger is not at all useful. It won't bring you back and it won't put the pieces back into my shattered life. Besides, being angry at you was an impossible task even when you were here. You'd crack some joke or just smile and hug me and every ounce of anger in my body would disappear as though it had never existed.

Instead, I find myself looking to you for guidance, even though it seems impossible. I look up at your pictures and wonder if you're proud of me. I often look at a situation from your eyes, try to figure out what you would do. I dance a lot more now than I used to. I wear bright colors and I smile at everyone. I've even taken on a bit of your restless nature; I'm never fully happy unless I'm out experiencing life. I'm so afraid to live life without you, Megan. You were the force that kept my life in order, the only thing that made chaos seem organized, and even necessary. You made sure that I lived my life to the fullest possible, filled every day with excitement and made sure I lived every day as though it were my last. Without you, it seems so impossible to keep living like that.

However, I realize the last thing you would want is for me to stop living my life. It would be the ultimate betrayal to everything your life was and everything you meant to me. So here I am, trying to redefine my life, trying to move on without you. I'll still carry you with me everywhere I go, trying to live the life you would have wanted me to. "No regrets," you always said. It was your motto, what you lived your life by. I try to live my life with no regrets, but it's so hard not to regret every moment spent without you. I love you, Megan.

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